How to talk about it

Are you concerned about the way someone you care about is drinking? Someone's use of alcohol is a problem for you when they behave in ways that are distressing or harmful to you.

You may feel ashamed of their behaviour, the money spent on alcohol may be causing you financial problems or you may feel unsafe. Perhaps you are really concerned for the person as their health, wellbeing and relationships may have been affected, or could be so serious that the person's ability to hold down a job or care for children is affected.

Neither you nor anyone else can make someone cut down or stop drinking. We are all responsible for our own behaviour so don't accept the blame for someone else's drinking. It isn't your job to diagnose or fix the person, but you can encourage and help them to make changes.

The following information has been developed to help you think through the things you might do or say. What and how you choose to talk to someone will depend on many things including the relationship you have with them.

If you think you're at risk of violence, it's important to get to a safe place and get help if you need to protect yourself. Call 111. To talk to someone, call the Alcohol Drug Helpline on 0800 787 797.

There are seven steps to the process of talking to someone when you're worried about their drinking.

1. Talk

Talk to the person you're worried about. Find a time when he or she is sober and when you're both reasonably calm. Ask for five uninterrupted minutes.
Discuss with other close friends and members of the family what you are trying to do. This will make it easier for everyone to take a similar approach, and it will be less confusing to the drinker.

2. Communicate

State the issue or problem and be specific.
Talk about the problems his or her drinking is causing, helping the person to see the effects of his or her drinking might encourage change more quickly.
Encourage the person to concentrate on the effects the drinking is having on his or her life, rather than using a label such as 'alcoholic'.
Make clear what behaviour you will not accept.
Make clear what action you will take if it still happens. Don't make idle threats.
State the change/s you would like.
Be consistent - don't keep changing your mind about what you're saying, and don't say one thing and do another.

3. Listen

Listen to their response, find out how he or she feels.
Be polite, do not interrupt.
Be fair.
Be open to compromise.

4. Find solutions

Explore all the options.
Discuss the changes you are both prepared to make.
Select the best solution.

5. Deciding on actions

Specify the actions that need to be taken; what needs to be done, where, for how long and for whom.
Help the drinker to be realistic. Don't encourage promises that can't be kept. Encourage the person find an action that is realistic and achievable for them.

6. Put it into practice

Try out what was agreed on.
Don't make it easier to drink by buying it for him or her, giving extra money, or always agreeing to go to the pub. It may be difficult to break these patterns, but he or she is more likely to take you seriously if your actions match what you're saying.
Don't try to hide the effects from the drinker or other people, eg. phoning work with excuses, clearing up the mess, putting him or her to bed, missing social events for fear of embarrassment.

7. Review progress

Did the agreed actions occur?
If yes, how have you acknowledged this?
If not, try again. Don't give up.

Things to avoid...

Avoid getting into arguments; it will make it more difficult to talk openly to you about things in the future. For the same reason it's best not to sound as though you're nagging or accusing.
Resorting to putdowns and personal attacks.
Employing threats, orders or demands.
Using generalisations - 'YOU always.. . ", Every time you. ..." 'YOU never.. . "
Dredging up the past as ammunition.
Adopting a closed position (Making statements that stop further discussion or action).
Rambling (Dragging in everything and getting off the topic).

It's important to know that there are stages that a person will go through when they decide to change the way they drink, before they achieve a lasting change. It's also important to accept that as they go through the journey of changing the way they drink, the person you care about might revert back to their old drinking habits at some point. Changing drinking can be a long process, so don't give up too soon.